Breast is best. It’s a fact of nature endorsed by governments and parenting experts the world over. No one disputes the benefits of breastfeeding.
What is objectionable, though, is the assumption that all mothers can and should do it. That moms who choose formula over breast milk are lazy and irresponsible, and clearly don’t have their baby’s best interests at heart.
That, in essence, they are Bad Mothers for not breastfeeding. If Brazilian model, Gisele Bundchen’s recent comments (she claimed that breastfeeding should be legally enforced for six months) are anything to go by, lactation has practically become a fascist movement.
After a public outcry, and no doubt following her publicist’s advice, Gisele has now backtracked. But for many women – myself included – who could not, or chose not, to breastfeed, the damage is done. Now, before you line me up in front of the firing squad, know that giving up on breastfeeding was a decision I agonized over, a decision that ultimately left me feeling worthless and alienated.
If only Gisele could have seen me desperately pouring over books and websites, and phoning hotlines in the wee hours… If only she could have seen the bloody, open sores on my nipples, and the tears streaking my cheeks for days on end… If only she could have heard the piercing cries of my newborn as he grew more and more hungry, more and more dehydrated…
Then maybe she wouldn’t have said what she said, because there is no feeling in the world worse than knowing you cannot satisfy your own child. After all, it’s what a mother should do, naturally. But nature doesn’t always go like clockwork. There are glitches. Just as some women continue to produce milk long after their children have been weaned, others will never produce enough.
Some women have surgeries, reductions or augmentations or C-sections, which can make nursing next to impossible… Not least of which, bottle feeding costs a small fortune. Since when is feeding your baby considered a luxury rather than a biological necessity?
Even for mothers who do manage to nurse, the pressure to continue to do so, often long after they yearn to quit, is considerable. That pressure comes from the media, of course, but more often than not it comes from the people whose opinions we value most: our own mothers, our husbands, our mom friends… No wonder failing to breastfeed, or to continue to breastfeed, can lead to postpartum depression for many mothers today.
Breast may be the best form of nourishment for baby. But that’s all it is. It’s not a crown or a halo. And Gisele, and so many others like her, would do well to remember that.
14 Comments
Julie – what a relief to know I am not alone. My daughter was born 23 years ago, and I had every intention of breast feeding. What I didn’t intend to do was bury my mother after a short fight with lung cancer 8 weeks before my daughter was born. Grief stricken, tired, scared, and having been undermined by nurses in the hospital who fed my daughter sugar water against my express wishes, breast feeding became an impossibility. I also wonder if my newborn could taste the grief and sadness in my milk and wanted no part of it, but of course that question will never have an answer, will it? Ridden with guilt, I called a number in one of my breast-feeding books published by the La Leche League and found a kind and supportive soul answering the phone who reminded me that the most important thing was that I love my daughter and that she be well fed and cared for. The bottle it was.
I read recently in another article that Gisele also claimed that she felt no pain during labor and childbirth. That claim alone would have caused me to take anything else she might say with a grain of salt the size of the Madison Boulder. The phrase “BS” comes to mind as I read about her comments on enforced breastfeeding.
I’m a new mom who chose not to breastfeed even though I could. I didn’t feel guilty about it but for some reason people think I owe them an explanation of why I chose not to. My boobs, my business.
Wow, Meg, you put into just a few words what took me a full article to say. I admire your courage! I wish I had felt that way at the time.
Fili: I don’t make a point of listening to Gisele. But she’s a media figure, and some people are susceptible to what celebs say and do, even when it is obviously “BS”. I just wish they thought a bit before opening their mouths… On an up note: I’m glad (and a little surprised) that you found support 23 years ago!
Breast milk is certainly the ideal natural food for babies. From custom-made antibodies and the stimulation of bonding hormones to significantly reducing the risk of breast cancer, breastfeeding is a healthy choice.
That being said, even as a natural birth instructor, I find it really hard to agree with Gisele 100%. To your point, if breastfeeding troubles are causing a mom to resent feeding her baby, then it is doing more harm than good.
I do, however, think that there should be more gentle, practical, non-judgmental support for women who are interested in breastfeeding. For example, there are a number of ways to increase milk production and to care for cracked nipples. It takes time and determination, but many obstacles can be overcome to achieve successful breastfeeding.
Furthermore, I think pediatricians and OBGYNs should at least educate their patients/parents of their patients about the pros and cons of each feeding option so that mothers can make informed decisions. Instead, talk of breastfeeding is replaced with “how soon will you wean your baby?” They also hand out many freebies like diaper bags and notepads sponsored by formula companies, as if they are the official medical practice sponsors.
_More importantly_ than natural birth vs. epidural or formula vs. breast milk is the commitment to love your baby. Someone very dear to me is about to give birth to a baby who has some physical problems. The birth will have be by c-section, and, following two major surgeries, the baby will likely be too fragile to hold for a while… not to mention he will have to be fed by IV. My encouragement to her is that there is always grace to be found in times like these. He may not be (initially) breastfed, but he will be loved.
Better to smother your baby in smiles and kisses and feed your baby formula than to resent them while breastfeeding.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Julie,
There are so many variations on this, it seems so silly to me we even have this discussion. Sure, breastfeeding is optimal, but whoever said that we’d all do the optimal thing as parents? People have zeroed in on breastfeeding as the “be all end all,” but what about cleanliness, or discipline approaches, or…you name it!
I was unable to breastfeed due to physical issues, so elected to become a full time pumper. You mention pressure from parents, but in my experience, that generation primarily focused on formula (many women were given a drug to dry up their milk production immediately after birth, some without even being told what the drug was for). My mother-in-law shook her head over my breastfeeding agonies. I think she was probably more right than anyone.
Enjoy being a mother!
I’m putting your name on the editorial calendar for articles on cleanliness and discipline approaches. Thanks Jenn! =)
Jennifer: I wish we weren’t having this discussion either, but sadly my experience was it was. And I felt compelled to write since, from what I hear and see around me, not much has changed. Women who can’t or don’t breastfeed are still being judged, heavily. Two years on and I’m loving being a mom and enjoying my very healthy son!
Sarah: I fully agree with you, and only wish I had had more information BEFORE giving birth. So much emphasis was on just getting through labor; the only real look-in breastfeeding got was about latching correctly — no mention of other potential problems/solutions. I loved nursing, for the few days it lasted, pain notwithstanding, and really resented not being able to continue. So all the ensuing judgement only made me feel worse. As far as the formula companies go… Well, I also saw lots of samples of bum cream and diapers and coupons for various products but didn’t feel the pressure of corporate world, because that’s just businesses doing what they do. But the comments from people around me, because they were so personal, certainly affected me.
Thank you both for your input!
I too stayed up late at night agonizing when breastfeeding wasn’t working for me. Thank you for the article, I wish new moms could read this through their tears and hormones and understand that it will be okay!
Julie
This us the difficulty in discussing things that are emotionally charged on the internet–without being able to see my body language or hear my tone, I didn’t effectively communicate my sympathy for your thesis. My comment about this being silly was geared at idea, celebrity or not, could think it’s okay to mandate such a clearly personal decision. To me, it’s like suggesting multivitamins be mandatory, or weight training to prevent osteoporosis.
My only point was that in looking back on my own breastfeeding woes (which were considerable) I feel I absorbed much of that silliness from the media and then applied it to myself much more harshly than those around me.
The silliness is that you have to write this, but I certainly understand the unfortunate stigma you had to face.
Seth, do I have to write about vitamins too?
As a scientist, I think you’d be deeply wrong not to! =)
Whilst not trying to downplay the emotions of your endeavours to breastfeed, I found your first paragraph on assumptions quite ironic, seeing they are the overall basis of this post
Whilst I agree we shouldn’t make them based on a mothers choice, if we were to extend that notion beyond this topic, we wouldn’t create so much pain for ourselves either.
Women the world over, are up in arms over Giselles “quoted” comments, of which I read (and re-read several times) no mention of forced breastfeeding, or of mothers who were physically unable to do so. (Oh and let’s forget she had a wonderful pregnancy, and didn’t have excruciating pain during birth. I mean, heaven forbid bringing life into the world should be seen as positive, painfree experience
But that’s another topic )
What would be more beneficial, is if we could set our egos, claws, and insecurities aside, and direct our energy into the positive choices and actions that are in our control as parents/future parents (rather than disempowering ourselves and fighting battles over things that perhaps aren’t truth – particularly things we read in the mainstream media.
Once you take Giselle off the pedestal, peel away her celebrity status, looks, wealth and lifestyle and stop judging and making further assumptions – what do you see? I see a human being. A woman, excited about her new foray into motherhood, who made informed choices about her pregnancy and birth. A new mother with her own opinions, who is passionate about the benefits and joys of breastfeeding her child, and is happy to share it. Wow, how dare she! If there were more parents in the world who chose to make more conscious, informed decisions during pre-conception, pregnancy and beyond, we would be raising different human beings and having somewhat different experiences. But like anything our experiences are determined with how we choose to see them
Justine: I definitely don’t have celebs on a pedestal, but sadly many people do. I do believe, though, if you happen to be famous, you have a duty to be careful about what you say publicly, and you should really THINK HARD before making throwaway comments (like Gisele’s). If she had simply said, ‘I love breastfeeding’ or ‘Breastfeeding is right for me and my family’, her name wouldn’t be mentioned in this article. But sadly, this article would still exist.
This issue makes me want to cry and pound my fists in anger. The guilt and pressure associated with breastfeeding is out-and-out ridiculous. I have seen so many of my friends agonize over this in one way or another and it hurts my heart.
I made a commitment to myself when I got pregnant: I would try but I WOULD NOT be pressured. No Breast Feeding Nazi was going to make me cry, as they had so many of my friends. And I did try and I did ok for 3 months but, ultimately, I had to go back to work and pumping was just not practical time-wise for me, so I reluctantly (and not without that guilt I swore I would never feel) stopped at 4 months.
To suggest that women who do not breastfeed are somehow too selfish or not interested in meeting the nutritional needs of their baby is uncompassionate and judgmental. Those women who have great experiences and then run around preaching breastfeeding like it’s the Gospel should stop living in a vacuum and walk a mile in someone else’s shoes once in while.
One of my friends did get some great advice from a lactation consultant, however. She said that if trying to breastfeed was getting in the way of a mother enjoying and bonding with her baby, then it wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t agree more.
I thank thee, fellow Rantess!
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