I must be getting to “an age” because it happens more now than ever. People ask if I have children and give all sorts of retorts depending on my response. I’ve questioned male peers about whether they get grilled like this and some do but only by their mothers.
No, I do not have a child or children. Yes, this has been a conscious decision. I have my reasons. No, I will not explain them to you. I used to explain, though, upon reflection, I’m unclear why it is anyone’s business but my own. All my reasoning–which I still believe to be sound–was knocked away with easy platitudes. Essentially, I am in the wrong for not bearing children. Having children is a service to mankind.
I get frustrated and then angry when people try to brush away my reasons for not wanting to bear a child. Is there anything more intimate and loaded with consequences and responsibilities than this decision? Are those people going to be there if I run into financial hardship or can’t balance child care with employment? What if I experience medical complications? What if I can’t have children? Why would that be anyone’s business but my own? It is intrusive for anyone to believe they should be allowed input into my reproductive choices.
The argument that I am shirking responsibility to mankind is condescending. Are my tax dollars Confederate? I pay just as much in taxes, if not more, than parents, with a portion of my taxes going to schools, public playgrounds and other necessities for children that I will never personally use. I’m not complaining. I feel it is my duty to contribute to the raising of future generations. Schools are already overburdened and underfunded; imagine what they would look like if everyone who could have children did.
Many also forget or are oblivious to the additional contributions childless people make in the workplace. When a project is on deadline, who stays while parents go pick up their children from daycare or school? When a parent has to stay home because their child is ill, who performs the extra work the parent is not completing? I have had managers point out I have no excuse to not work late because I have no one to go home to care for.
As someone in a salaried position, hearing this after working sometimes 70 – 80 hours a week for months is not only not comforting, it lays bare workplace inequities between parents and childless people. I’ve also been told I can’t vacation during peek times because “no one is relying on me.” This is a moot point since the additional work I am given because “no one is relying on me” means I don’t have time for vacations.
We are a minority but I know I am not alone in my experiences or with the busybodies passing judgment on this most personal of choices. I have friends who are childless because of infertility issues. They would love to have a child but nature has deemed otherwise. Most come to accept this with time but imagine what they must go through being judged about their childless status? Their only defense is to admit they are unable to have children and this often leads to more questions.
Why do strangers feel it is permissible to ask intimate questions about someone’s reproductive function? I cringe every time I hear one of these exchanges. When is it ever proper for a stranger or colleague to probe into someone else’s health issues? The infertile person’s other option is to stay silent to inquiries about their childless status and brood about how unfair life is. Think about this the next time you are tempted to probe.
Lately I’ve been mulling over the probing, the judgment and the fall out from being a childless person. No longer are my occupational choices limited to school teacher, home maker or nurse because I am female. Few people, in our enlightened age, would have the gall to harass me for being Native American. No one in the work place would dare openly judge me for not being Catholic or Jewish or any other religion that is prominent to a given location or work place. I seldom get questioned whether I am a lesbian but when I do it is usually from people who have no filters and never in the workplace.
The above examples are all a result of civil liberties granted to people based on sex, race, religion and sexual orientation. I think it is time parental (or non-parental) status be included in those liberties. I am happy to work more so people with families can spend time with their families but it shouldn’t be taken for granted or required.
I am fine with parents getting benefits and deductions I don’t get because they need them. It is the probing and the condescension I can do without. It is none of your business what I chose to do with my womb or whether or not I can do anything with it. Just because I am a minority, there is nothing that gives anyone a right to openly rip apart my choices.
83 Comments
Thanks so much for this great post! It is nice to know there are others in the world who have also consciously made this choice and are also awkwardly questioned about it. I’m glad you noted that you no longer feel it necessary to explain your reasons to anyone. I’m going to feel your strength the next time I’m faced with the situation, it always makes me so uncomfortable, as if the person grilling me about it has the right to question me for some reason. Thanks!
All I want to add to this discussion is AMEN!
Some childfree people seem to broach the topic of kids a lot, as if they can’t help themselves. Are you sure you aren’t going there by accidend? I find childree people ask me about mine (which makes me feel like I am allowed to ask if they have kids themselves), or even come right out and declare their choice without me even asking. It’s kind of bewildering, because frankly I just don’t care if people have kids or not.
One time I was visiting some friends once and a 60-year-old woman there was talking lovingly and at length about a young child, obviously a relative. I asked if it was her kid, and she responded in some detail that she was childfree and happy about it. She seemed pissed that I had asked… I’m the bad guy, and yet, she was the one talking about kids in the first place. I was just joining her conversation.
My only beef with childfree people is that several of my childfree friends abandoned me after I had a baby. I sent emails, I invited them out, I refrained from overtalking about my kid, I didn’t bring her along on visits. But still, I’ve been dropped by 6 people. To them, I am a mother, and no longer a person, and that really hurts.
You know what, I just reread my comment and it was dwelling on my own concerns too much. Sorry about that! I am really smarting about the rejection right now, but I shouldn’t have gone on a tangent like that. I just wanted to post in order to ask you if you weren’t inadvertently bringing up kids yourself and then getting comments you didn’t want in return. Lord knows, I certainly agree with you that people can be rude, though! (“Having a sibling is the best gift you can give your daughter” is the rude comment I now get all the time, despite the fact I can’t afford another kid.)
Lia,
That sucks that your child free friends are doing that to you. I personally enjoy interacting with my friends’ children. I hope as time goes on you meet better friends who accept your parental status and celebrate you for who you are.
I don’t believe I am inviting the questions but since you ask, I’ll now be more conscious to pay attention for that. In general I try not to ask people personal questions assuming they will tell me anything they feel comfortable with me knowing. I was cured of asking personal questions when I was 22. Just back from a year in Vermont, I asked a friend how his wife was. My friend’s wife had left him and it was the first time he had left his house in six weeks because he was devastated. Oops. I feel badly I pained my friend but that is a lesson I will never forget.
Several other people have mentioned that comment about providing their only child a sibling. I think it is equally rude. In general, other people should stay out of our bedrooms, if you know what I mean.
Thank you for reading! You sound like someone I would love to have as a friend.
The weird thing is that it seems to me the sort of question people generally only ask when they don’t know you well at all, which is what makes it so offensive. Friends generally know enough about you and about the circumstances of your life to know what constitutes a stupid or insensitive question.
I usually just explain that we have a dog, and that’s plenty for us right now.
I am a reluctant mother. I came to motherhood somewhat kicking and screaming, getting pregnant because I was almost at that dreaded “Advanced Maternal Age” and worried because if I didn’t do it now I might regret it later.
I’ll never regret my decision to have my daughter and love parenthood far more than I ever thought I could, however I sympathize and empathize with you.
For the longest time I had the same questions posed to me and I was equally as irked. I am glad that there are people like us out there who take more time to think about having kids than it takes to ejaculate. It’s a serious business, hard work, physically and emotionally exhausting and, quite frankly, a good 50% of the people doing it probably should have bought a condom instead. Ultimately, we’ve made different choices but I feel you and applaud you for taking the decision seriously.
Ms. Ranty -
You sound like you must be a wonderful mother! How fabulous for your daughter to know she exists because of your conscious decision to have her.
I very much respect the work parents do. There are no vacations from parenthood which makes it unlike any other job a person will ever do. Having done volunteer teaching of poor, inner city, learning disabled children there are a few parents who forget that and I feel for their children. If people thought more about the life of the human they are creating and less about their own wants and needs, we might find more people resorting to the condom than do at present. We can only hope, as time goes on, people DO think more about the choice to parent rather than just doing it to comply with a societal norm.
Thanks for reading and best wishes to you and your daughter!
I have an Aunt who is also childless by choice. I’ve never heard her justify her decision and it never accured to me some people would expect her to! I don’t think enough people give this life changing decision enough thought! Good luck to you and enjoy your uninterrupted sleep and private bathroom time. I will try to keep my jealousy at bay!
Mommylebron,
I hope your children have an auntie like me. Even though I’ve consciously chosen not to have my own children, I consider it my job to make sure you get some uninterrupted bathroom time now and again.
Thanks for reading!
There is no way to win this one with or without kids. As a woman, having kids usually means having to put your career aside for at least a few years. It means a loss of long term growth and income. If you don’t have kids you get the comments above. No win. No point in even thinking about it.
I have two amazing and gorgeous boys and I’m constantly asked when I’m having my third or “going for the girl.” I typically answer I like sleeping.
You are so right, Shira. The comments I’ve received have educated me. It’s a “damned it you do, damned if you don’t” situation. I like your answer to those people asking if you’ll have another child. If you do, those would be the first people I would ask to babysit.
We got married in late December and moved from Texas to Utah, where I started at a new college just a matter of days later. I was only 21 – which by most standards in Texas was really young to get married. Needless to say, Utah was a culture shock. I suddenly no longer could get a Pell grant — not because I didn’t qualify, but because all the funds were already given to my peer who qualified AND had dependent children. (!) I was also constantly asked how many kids I had and why I didn’t have any yet, etc. We started saying we planned on having kids “the 5th of never.”
The 5th of never evidently came around 9 years later after we both changed our minds at about the same time. Weird, but it worked for us. We have some very dear friends who also did not have kids and have not changed their minds. We don’t love them any less, and lucky for us they didn’t stop being our friends either (although they did abandon us and move to Colorado — LOSERS!)
Really though, people are often just thoughtless and can’t see beyond the ends of their own noses. They often don’t even contemplate that others may have different perspectives, experiences, plans, circumstances than their own. And the really rude ones assume that the differences they do encounter point to flaws in the other person. Maybe they missed that crucial developmental stage at age 3 where they were supposed to learn to have empathy for others.
My poor kids won’t miss that. I catch myself saying — probably too often — “I’m sorry, but YOU are not the center of the universe! It’s not always about you.”
Heidi,
Good for you and your husband making your own rules. I wouldn’t have had a clue how to properly raise a child at twenty. It’s great you and your husband were both on the same page. I’m sure your parenting reflects that.
You are right. Bottom line: it is none of anyone’s business. I am 35, and up til now I have chosen to remain childless. I am now trying to become pregnant. And if I do, that will be a blessing, if not, then not. It is not the end of my world or my life as I know it. Nor is it any of anyone elses business what I do or do not do with my uterus. It have permanent veto status of my body, all of it. Case closed.
Desiree,
Go You! I hope you are able to have the child you seek though I am sure you’ll be fine if you don’t. You sound grounded enough to accept either outcome.
Thanks for reading.
Even this here mother is standing up and applauding this eloquent post.
If you don’t want children, people ask why not. If you have “only one,” people suggest you’re selfish. If you have two girls, people tell you to “shoot for a boy.” If you have five kids, people tell you you have too many.
I’ve come to the shocking conclusion that there are a lot of rude people in the world. It has nothing to do with how you decide to employ your ovaries. Best bet – ignore them and follow your bliss. But you already know that.
I’m also childless, and also unmarried. I get a lot of snarky comments from people already, since I’m the only woman in my family without a husband or a pregnancy.
The only thing that concerns me about the comments is.. I’m only 24. What’s the bloody rush for?
why would anyone want to die alone? You’ll never know what love is until you have a child.
Frank,
Lots of old people who had children still die alone. Old folks’ homes and institutions are full of them.
And how sad you can only imagine love in the context of having a child. There are many, MANY ways and people in life to love.
I feel sorry for you.
God bless you, Jessica. I chose not to respond to that comment but you did it for me.
Many parents DO die alone. It saddens me to think anyone’s primary motivation to procreate would be to not die alone. Before I made a firm decision to not bear children my primary question was, “What can I offer a child?” It was NOT “What can I gain from having a child?” A baby is an individual human life to be nurtured and loved. Hopefully a parent receives love in return but there are no guarantees.
I appreciate your line, “There are many, MANY ways and people in life to love.” Is the love I have for my own parents inconsequential? After all, they are not my children. When one of Frank’s children says, “I love you, Daddy” does he respond, “You don’t know what love is?” I hope not. That is such a sad and narrow way to think and live.
It totally blows my mind that there are people who think it’s ok to ever pry into another person’s private life so deeply. What does it matter to anyone else if you have no children? In all honesty, this planet is overpopulated and there are too many children in foster care and orphanages. Your decision to not have children is entirely between you and your womb. If you decide to not bring more life into a very-populated world, that’s fine. If you change your mind someday, no one has any right to say a word.
I’m sorry that you are given a hard time about this decision by others. I’m sure some of them may mean well (you know, those great-aunts who are flabbergasted by a woman not married by 21), but all in all– they need to shut up.
I have a great excuse– I can’t have kids. When people ask me why I never had children and I tell them I couldn’t they seem embarrassed that they actually asked the question and pried into my private life too much. I say “It’s OK. I’m good with it. Really what choice do I have?”
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