The first time I actually paid attention to a flight attendant’s words during a safety demonstration, I found myself questioning whether or not I would obey this directive: “If you are traveling with a child or someone who needs assistance, secure your mask first, and then assist the other person.”
What kind of mom would put her oxygen mask on before securing the flow of oxygen to her child? Several hundred flights and seven children later, my answer to that question is, “this mom.”
When it comes to motherhood, I’ve run the gamut:
- Young wife with two infants, abusive husband and no social life.
- Divorced, single mom with two toddlers, full-time job, part-time academic pursuits and the indulgence of a social life.
- Happily married, full-time mom of three, four, five, six and then seven children, whose family role, career and social life morphed into one title.
Parenting took me on a journey into the world of self-sacrifice. I embraced it, struggled with it, embraced it more and struggled with it more. I went from a full-time career outside of the home (children in daycare) to a more than full-time role as a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t just stay home with my children; I home schooled them. When I was working outside of the home, I battled guilt for all the time I spent away from my children. When I became both caregiver and teacher, with no childcare or school assisting in these duties, I battled burnout. It seemed whatever choices I made as a mother left me in a no-win situation.
Having children requires incredible self-sacrifice. I’ve often wondered if I have the level of self-sacrifice required to be a good parent. I look around at other mothers and always feel I don’t measure up. No matter how much of myself I give, there’s always more I could give…should give…want to give. Until…there’s no more to give.
A few years ago I began to develop wisdom in this area. Concerned about the imbalance in my life, a dear friend shared an analogy with me that became the catalyst for transforming my view of self-sacrifice. She said, “Your cup is empty, sweetheart.” She told me it needed to be filled; I couldn’t pour from my cup if there was nothing in it. She didn’t say I should be a self-centered woman or neglectful mother. She said that doing things for me – just for me – is good. Not just good, but necessary. She explained that if I didn’t take care of me, there would be no me to give to my children.
Her timing was perfect, as I was depleted. Running on empty, I could see clearly how my life was living proof of the truth she revealed. My cup was already empty. I was neglecting my needs to a fault and withering away inside while giving my last breath to children who never asked for such self-neglect that I was imposing on myself. What this beloved friend did for me was a gift. She triggered a transformation in my thinking of what a “good” mother was.
Why can’t I take care of myself AND be a good mother? What steps do I need to take to incorporate my needs with the needs of my family? How can I care for, guide and nurture my children while also doing the same for myself? As I thought about these questions, I came to realize that by NOT taking care of myself, I lead by example. Do I want my daughters to grow up with this notion that their role in life is to sacrifice themselves to the extent I was doing? This question became my guideline for how I live my life.
The best thing I can do for my children is to be the kind of woman I want my sons to fall in love with and my daughters to emulate. Such a woman would be a wonderful mother with her children…but also, an incredible woman apart from her maternal role. Investing time and energy into meeting my needs, feeding my passions and pursuing my dreams is the only way I can achieve this goal of being a good mother. It’s a critical part of the process. It’s my oxygen.
So why would I secure my oxygen mask before securing my child’s? Because if I can’t breathe, I won’t be there to help them find their way.
5 Comments
Such a wonderful post… and yet I wonder how to implement it in my own life. I do not yet have children and am afraid for the future. It seems as if all the mothers I know go through at least a phase of completely losing themselves (and thus being less than they could be, including in mothering). Do you have any tips for really internalizing this lesson without having to go through the hard part of burnout for oneself?
Teresa, there is not magic bullet, it happens to all of us at any given moment in time. The trick is to recognize it, own it and do something about it. No one can do it for us. We have to allow ourselves this opportunity and each of us needs something different.
Good Luck to you and God Bless!
Hi Teresa,
You’re so ahead of the game! To observe other mothers and approach the prospect of motherhood by exploring it first is so wise! I kind of jumped into motherhood unplanned and continued to expand my brood blindly. I’ve been learning by doing. Thank God my children don’t seem too damaged by it!
(They’re all really well-adjusted – an observation that continues to baffle me!)
I’d say most of the mothers I know also go through (or remain in) a phase of losing themselves in the role of mother. I noticed this especially in the homeschooling and church communities in which we were involved. There’s additional pressure to be not only a good mother, but a good homeschooling teacher and good Christian woman in these environments. So many reinforcements to sacrifice self can make it very difficult to accept that it’s not only okay, but so critical to take care of and focus on your needs as a woman in order to be a good mother.
As far as tips, my advice is to have a clear vision of who you are and who you want to be in your life. Know yourself. Identify what makes you tick (apart from being a mom) and what activities (action items) make you feel good about yourself. Then, as you begin the motherhood journey, keep this knowledge of what you need at the forefront of your mind, and make it a priority in your budget of time, energy and money to integrate these things into your new life as a mother as best you can. There will always be sacrifice…a reduction in how much time, energy and money you can spend on the things that make you tick. You just have to coordinate a life that can incorporate both the demands of motherhood AND the needs of a woman as effectively as possible.
Every woman has an identity prior to giving birth to children. In many cases (such as mine), we have dreams and ambitions in life on top of or apart from being a mother. For me, I’ve found that I was not only burning the candle at both ends in my full-time role of mother to 7 children, but I was also dying inside as far as other desires of my heart. With children ranging in ages from 6 to 22, I’m embarking on a new journey in my life – investing in those things about which I’m passionate in addition to loving my children and ensuring they grow up to be happy, healthy productive human beings.
My brother once encouraged me to develop a more active social life with other women, do things like go shopping, go to the spa, treat myself to massages, facials and the like. I think if these are things you do before you have children, then you should make it a priority to continue to do them as much as feasible AFTER having children. For me, I find fulfillment in intellectual stimulation. I crave learning, exploring and expanding my mind more than I do pampering myself. Rather than invest time, money and energy into the things my brother suggested, I invested in books, college courses, online communities/online reading, conferences and freelance work. It’s different for everyone. The point is, whatever it is that you look forward to…whatever it is that keeps you going, motivates you, rewards you and/or makes you feel more alive – THAT is what you must make a priority in your life even after the demands of motherhood hit like a tsunami.
It’s all about balance. Going into motherhood recognizing that balance in your life isn’t just a platitude but a critical aspect of being a good parent is the foundation of a successful journey for both mother and child/ren. It’s really like the oxygen mask analogy. If the mother doesn’t step back and see the big picture (her needs being met = better meeting her children’s needs), she’s going to instinctively put the oxygen mask on her child before herself, running the risk of her oxygen deprivation and paralysis to care for her child.
In other words, it’s good to be “selfish” in this way. My advice? Be selfish! (And reframe what that means.)
All the best,
Allison
I love your reply, being selfish must mean “not at the expense of others” I am a victim of that sort of selfishness. Mom to 6, previously home schooled the 3 oldest, wife to a pilot, Child of God, in a sense I started my blog to see if I have relevance to someone that I didn’t give birth to…I think I have found my answer…and it is “YES!”
Blessings
Love this. Very true that it’s impossible to be of use to your friends and family if you have nothing to give. An empty cup isn’t good for anyone.